I refused to give up too easily, so I made him agree to at least pray about it. I emailed the pastor back and explained that we would need some time to pray and seek counsel before we made a decision. I felt silly really. I'm sure there were lots of people who wouldn't have a moments hesitation and some who were probably beating her door down for this child and here we are saying "We need to think about it." So, we left for a few days to visit his brother & sister-in-law as planned and agreed to focus our prayers toward this possibility despite the distraction of the trip. The night we returned home, New Years Day actually, I received a phone call from the pastor telling us that we really needed to act on this fast if we wanted this child. He made it very clear to us that we were the only couple that the birth mother was interested in and she wasn't even considering other families. The birth mother was eager to meet us so that she could prepare her mind for the adoption. My husband agreed to go and meet with our pastor and seek his counsel. While he was gone, I just laid in bed crying and praying that the Lord would united our hearts by either changing my desire or changing his heart (preferable, changing his heart! Haha) and then determined to myself that I would accept whatever decision he made when he got home. I felt a very strong calling from the Lord that this was the path He had for us but was confused that He didn't give that same sense of calling to my husband. When Daniel pulled into the drive way, I was terrified. I just knew he was going to say that he didn't feel this was the right thing for us right now. But, the Lord surprised me and I'm sure Daniel as well, when he walked into the door and said "Are you SUUUURE this is what you want?" I, of course, with tears streaming down my face said "YES!" He replied "Then lets go get our baby!" I couldn't believe it!!! After talking for a while, we decided we would first talk to the birth mother over the phone so we could ask some questions and see if the Lord would give my husband more peace about the situation before flying to California to meet her face to face. We met with a few other families that had adopted to seek their advice and counsel and arranged a time for us to call the birth mother. We called her on a Thursday evening and her voice was like music to my ears. She was so sweet, confident, honest, open, and she answered all of our questions better than we could have hoped for. It was all too good to be true. After that conversation, we immediately began making arrangements to fly to California for a weekend to meet her over lunch. I will admit, I was beginning to get very scared. I kept thinking "What if this is another trap? What if the Lord leads us down this path only to take yet another baby from me?" My faith was still weak but the Lord was making it so obvious that this is what He had for us that I couldn't ignore it. I knew that if I didn't trust Him and proceed down this path than I would be in disobedience to Him.

The weeks passed and my heart was still as tender as the day I miscarried. I didn't think I would ever feel joy again. One thing the Lord did show to me was what an AMAZING husband He gave to me. The Lord knew I would need him in my life. He was so patient, gentle, understanding, and not afraid to grieve with me. I needed to see him affected by it all. I needed to see that it mattered to him, too. I needed to feel like I wasn't in the battle alone. I needed him to bring it up and tell me how much he missed our little one. We would lay in bed and just cry together. It deepened our relationship and I saw a part of him that I never knew was in him. Friends would try to encourage me, especially those who had also suffered the loss of a child, but I still felt as though many didn't understand the depth of my pain.
In mid-November, I was able to keep myself preoccupied enough that it didn't weigh as heavy on me every moment of the day. November is usually when the chaos of the holidays and some birthdays breaks out. This year was particularly chaotic with my husband graduating in December. He worked very hard and diligently to receive his business degree, but we weren't sure what career field it would land him in as we live in a small community that doesn't have many good job opportunities. Anyway, a week before he graduated, BIG news broke out! Providentially, he landed a magnificent job- one that he really wasn't qualified for. We were actually quite marveled that he got the job. Not because I didn't think he could do it, but because they were specifically looking for someone with a degree in ACCOUNTING and someone with accounting experience- neither of which he had. I threw him a surprise Graduation, Congratulations on the New Job, Happy Birthday, and Happy Anniversary party- lots of good things to celebrate. After he got the job we began talking about pursuing fertility treatments. We'd now be able to afford fertility meds and if I were to become pregnant, I'd be able to stay home. So, I called and scheduled another appointment with the specialist for mid January. It was a hard decision for me actually. I was terrified of being pregnant again! I wanted it only if there was some guarantee that I wouldn't miscarry again.
December 22nd, just a few days after I had scheduled the appointment, I received a forwarded email from my father-in-law who had received it from a pastor in California. The email simply said "If you know of anyone interested in adopting, please have them email me." Well, I knew that eventually adoption would be in our future. I felt that it could be possible to get pregnant again, but the likelihood of me having multiple children wasn't high. I truly thought it would be in regards to an adoption seminar, a link to some information, or some financial assistance, so I replied and simply said "We are interested in pursing adoption in the future. Could you please tell me what this is regarding?" Within a few hours, he responded with the story of a young lady who was attending his church with her mother. She had been living on the streets and was 6 months into an unplanned pregnancy and was looking for a christian couple to adopt her son once he was born. He said if we had any interest to send him a profile and picture and he would give it to the girl to review. This email had gone out to hundreds and there were LOTS of responses. Without a moments hesitation and without my husbands permission, I emailed him a BRIEF description of my husband and I - not including a picture. I didn't think a thing of it really. I thought "We'll just see what happens! What can it hurt?" 2 days later, on Christmas Eve, I received an email saying we had been chosen. I really didn't know what to think. My first thought was that we must be in the top 10 or something- not "the ONES!" I was terrified to tell my husband! What was I to say "By the way, I sent in a profile to adopt and we've been chosen. The baby's coming in 3 months, I'm quitting my job, we have to fly to California to meet this lady, and we've got to fork over $12,000.00?" Yeah RIGHT! I prayed and prayed and prayed for the Lord to soften my husbands heart to what I was about to tell him and that He would give him an open mind and heart. Well, THAT didn't happen! His first reaction was "ABSOLUTELY NOT! I haven't started my job yet, we don't have the money, I want to try for natural children." He had plans and they didn't involve me quitting and us emptying our savings account!

"I Will Walk Through the Fire if You Want Me To"

My grief was deep. Many probably thought I was over reacting. Miscarriages are common, right? Comments like "Oh, you'll have more children" only felt like stabs to my already bleeding heart. I remember my first Sunday back in church. I didn't make it past the singing before breaking down. I couldn't handle seeing all the pregnant women or new born babies that our congregation was exploding with. Of course, the first song we sang, which happens to be one that I hold very dear to me now, was "Whate'er My God Ordains is Right." I didn't think so. As the days went by, my grief and bitterness grew deeper. My husband would wake me up several times during the night because I would be crying in my sleep or asking to see my baby. It took everything I had to keep myself composed while with patients at work during the day and the moment I would get in my car to head home, I would break down in tears. This wasn't just a miscarriage to me. I felt like God was playing games with me. He took away my only hope for children. What were the odds of me ever becoming pregnant again?! He gave me this little taste of motherhood, only to take it away. What did He have for me? What was He trying to teach me? My first night out of the house with a couple of girls was incredibly painful and awkward. No one knew how to act around me or what to say. You could feel the uneasiness of the conversations. That night, on my way home, I realized I was desperate for relief. I clearly remember pulling over on the side of the road because I was crying SO hard that I couldn't see where I was going and I just cried out to God. My burden was too great to carry alone. I remember screaming out loud almost in anger "LORD- SHOW YOURSELF TO ME! I CAN'T SEE YOU AND I'M DESPERATE!" After about 30 minutes of sitting in the car, I pulled myself together and headed home. The sharp edge of grief was still there and I still didn't understand God's ways but I knew there HAD to be a reason beyond my comprehension. The song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens played over and over in my mind -particularly the line "I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet. So, if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I was walk through the fire if you want me to." I didn't want to walk through the fire, but I was and if it was what God had for me - so be it. It may have been a small turning point for me but the battle was still going strong. My best friend was pregnant and due just 2 weeks before me and it caused a large barrier between us. We both found out we were pregnant just a day apart, so for the past several weeks, our conversations were consumed with baby talk - maternity clothes, names, nursery ideas, cravings... Her life still revolved around excitement and preparations, mine now revolved around grief and pain. How was I to relate to her now? We loved shopping together- it was our favorite past time. What was I to do? I couldn't handle looking at maternity or baby clothes. I didn't want to hear about her cravings or how hungry she was. I didn't want to know how her doctors appointments were going or look at her ultrasound pictures. I prayed and prayed that the Lord would take away my envy. I tried to act "normal" and even excited for her. I threw her a baby shower. But when I would look at her, I would envision what I should be looking like. As her belly grew, I thought about what stage my baby would be in - how much it would weigh, if it was a boy or a girl. Relating to her was now impossible. But this wasn't HER fault! Her joy shouldn't be tainted by my grief. I didn't know what to do. I LOVED her and WANTED to rejoice with her but I just couldn't do it.

A Mommy For A Moment

I was a mommy for a moment,
but that moment is gone.
I never got to hold you in my arms,
or be filled with all your little charms.
You, my dear, were already loved,
But there were greater plans for you above.

I was a mommy for a moment,
but that moment is gone.
I never fathomed a pain this deep,

And I cry for you, even in my sleep.
We'll never walk hand in hand,
We'll never build castles in the sand.

I was a mommy for a moment,
but that moment is gone.
God loves you so much, he called you home.
If only I would have known:
That I'd never hold you, or call your name,
Or even dance with you in the rain.

I was a mommy for a moment,
but that moment is gone.
When I "saw" you, I felt such joy,
Wondering if you were a girl or boy.

Did you have your daddy’s blue eyes or your mommy’s nose?

Could I have dressed you in hats or pink dainty bows?

I was a mommy for a moment,

But that moment is gone.

I would have died for you, not having seen your face,

And endured all the pain to bring you to this place.

Your daddy’s love for you is so immense,

And his longing for you, still intense.

I was a mommy for a moment,
but that moment is gone.
Although the pain is great,
We will carry on.
For now, we find comfort in God's arms,
Knowing you are safe from pain and harm.
The pain is strong, but God is stronger,
We will prevail for now and longer!

"This Was NOT Supposed to Happen!"

The "episodes" continued to happen. I was in TREMENDOUS pain. Pain I had never experienced in my entire life. I could hardly walk because of the pain shooting down my legs. I hemorrhaged several more times and each time I was rushed to the ER. My sweet husband would pray over me and I could feel his tears dripping on me. At one point, I even told him "You HAVE to be strong for me!" We were terrified. Each time was so intensely painful that I just knew I would walk into the ER one time and wouldn't be walking out. They would check my blood levels, give me a few shots of morphine for the pain, then wheel me back to the ultrasound room to check on the baby. We always breathed a sign of relief as we'd watch our baby bounce around. With each ultrasound, the reality of being pregnant became stronger and stronger and our excitement grew greater and greater. We seemed to bond with the little life we had gotten used to watching on the monitors. I remember on Labor Day, I had another typical episode. We again, raced to the ER but by time I had gotten there, the bleeding had lessened and my pain was subsiding, so we decided to head home instead of going through the hours of waiting and tests. I also had a doctors appointment first thing the next morning, so I knew they would check things out again anyway. Bright and early the next morning, my husband drove me to my appointment. We discussed all my episodes with the doctor then went in for another ultrasound so he could see if there was any damage done to the placenta and make sure the baby was measuring correctly. I will NEVER forget the image on the ultrasound screen. Our once super active baby, laid perfectly stilled, it's back turned away from us. The sweet sound of a beating heart didn't ring through this time. The ultrasound technician wasn't able to give us any information, but we didn't need her to. We knew. We had seen our baby so many times through a monitor, we knew what it should be doing and what it should look like, and this wasn't it. We both immediately broke down in sobbing. I felt such guilt, and still do to this day. What did I do wrong? Why could I not protect this little life? Why did MY body reject MY baby? The doctor came in to confirm what we already knew then allowed us to have some time to collect ourselves. We went back into the exam room so the doctor could explain our options. He recommended a D&C because of all of the complications I had already had. He told me I'd be back on my feet in a few days, rather than waiting things out for me to miscarry naturally. We agreed it was the best thing to do then headed to the hospital to schedule the D&C for the following morning. It was all I had to keep myself composed. I remember that evening, sitting in my new gliding rocking chair with my hands on my lifeless womb thinking "this will be the last time I ever rock my baby." My sorrow was deep and tears endless. I didn't know what to think. This wasn't supposed to happen. This was our MIRACLE baby! Nothing was supposed to go wrong. It was supposed to make it through all my episodes. I was going to have this miraculous story to tell... how I beat all odds and conceived then proceeded to make it through a high risk pregnancy. This was NOT supposed to happen. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!!! I put on a nice front as our pastor came to our home for a visit. I told him all the right things. I knew God was in control. This was HIS plan. HE would give me grace, faith, and peace. But deep down, I wasn't so sure. After a sleepless night, we headed to the hospital for a D&C scheduled for 8am. I was placed in the "holding" room until my turn was up. Because of some unexpected emergencies, I wasn't taken for surgery until 11am. I remember my doctor coming in to express his condolences and explain the hold up. They then wheeled me into the prepping room to poke me with IV's and explain the procedure. The nurses were asking me questions, but I couldn't answer them. It was ALL I had in me to not get up off that bed and run out of there. I cried and cried and cried. I remember telling the nurse repeatedly "PLEASE don't take my baby!!!" I remember every little detail about that day - from the smell, to the sounds, to the feeling of the cold room, to the anesthesiologist coming in and asking me to count down from 10. I remember what the ceiling looked like and how I was watching it fade away while being put to sleep. Next thing I remember is the nurses waking me up. I was hysterical. I was crying hysterically and asking over and over to hold my baby. I remember one of the nurses said "I'm sorry dear, you can't hold your baby. We'll give you something help." Next thing I know, I was waking up to my husband stroking my hair. I looked at him and with tears streaming down his face he said "I love you." The rest of that day and the following day was a big blur. I rested at home and found little comfort in friends and family. I had a room full of flowers, cards, and gifts. Friends came by to visit, many bringing meals and offering help but nothing could lift my spirits. I did feel loved, but my grief was too fresh and deep to find comfort. Two nights later, I began cramping again and bleeding a LOT. I told my husband and he reminded me that the doctor said cramping and bleeding was normal. The pain grew immensely worse. I knew something had to be wrong. I was in so much pain I couldn't talk to call for my husband who was sitting in the living room. So I attempted to walk down the hall way but didn't make it as I collapsed on the floor. My vision was blurred and the pain in my legs was so sharp that I couldn't even stand up. Since we lived a ways from town, my husband had to carry me out to the car to rush me to the ER, as it would have taken twice as long for an ambulance to find us. When we arrived at the hospital, Daniel ran in to get a wheel chair and as we checked in at the front desk, the poor receptionist informed us that the ER staff was in a meeting and it would be a bit. I couldn't wait even a minute. The longer I sat in the waiting room, the more vicious I became. It was like a dramatic scene from the TV show "ER". I was sternly whispering to my husband to go and hunt someone down because I COULD NOT TAKE IT. I just KNEW I was dying!!! The pain was paralyzing me. It seemed like hours, though it was only minutes, before someone came to my rescue. After I got situated in a room, Daniel ran out to the car to get my purse for insurance cards and providentially ran into my OBGYN. He informed him of what was going on and so my doctor came down to the ER. Without any anesthesia, he proceeded to "complete" my D&C (we found out later that my uterus was tilted and which can cause an incomplete D&C). After 3 shots of morphine and 2 shots of delotid, I was finally on my way to recovery - physically anyway. It was a longer recovery than anticipated as my stomach was black & blue from all the events of the past couple weeks and my mind & body were exhausted.

"It Was a Heartbeak!"

We went about our days on top of the world. Planning and dreaming of the exciting days ahead -him graduation and getting a good job so I can stay home, selling the house to buy a bigger one, imaging what kind of nursery we wanted, picking out names.... We were having the time of our lives. Then...
I remember the morning VERY well. I was in my 10th week. We were laying in bed, the sun was streaming through the sheer curtains, we were laughing, cuddling, talking about baby names... I was feeling GREAT! I went to get ready for the work day ahead and the moment I open the door to the closet I felt a gush. I ran to the restroom and realized I was covered in blood. I screamed for Daniel and said "I'm Miscarrying!!!" I'll NEVER forget his face as he says to me "Oh NO!" I wept and wept and wept. The doctors office hadn't opened yet and I knew there was nothing the ER could for me but send me a big bill, so I called into work and cried until the doctors office opened. I called the nurse, explained what happened, and she had me come in immediately. My husband went with me to hold my hand and because I was crying too much to drive. After my examination and the doctor had me go into the ultrasound room to see what was "left" in my womb and see if a D&C was necessary. The most BEAUTIFUL sound rang through the ultrasound... it was a HEARTBEAT! I cried even harder as I watched in amazement as our little one was swimming around inside me. We could see the hands waving and feet kicking... The doctor explained that my placenta had pulled away from the uterine wall and caused hemorrhaging. He put me on bed rest and said it could happen again and after the 12th week, I would hopefully be in the clear. He also informed me that if it continued to happen, I would need to go to the ER to check my blood levels and for another ultrasound.

"...It Can't Be Right!"

July 24, 2006 - My desire for children has grown intense so my husband and I discuss our options and decide to schedule an appointment with a well known fertility specialist in our area. I call that day and schedule an appointment for November 10th.
That same evening, my best friend and I decide to go for a walk at the park. As we're talking, she springs on me "I'M PREGNANT!" I was shocked, as she had only been married just over a month but rejoiced with her despite my desire to cry. My thoughts were selfish!
The following morning, July 25th, was a typical start to the day. Nausea was part of my life as I struggled with it for years due to my difficulties. As I was driving to work, I could feel that something just wasn't right. I was having mild cramps, even though I hadn't had a period in years, and I was VERY sick to my stomach. I called my doctor to schedule an appointment as I had been struggling with being tired for a while and the symptoms just seemed to be piling on and getting worse. I describe how I'm feeling to the nurse and she, of course, says "Have you taken a pregnancy test?" I thought "HOW insensitive!!! You KNOW I can't be pregnant!!!" I tell her "Of course not!" She recommends taking a test but I since I was so addiment that I couldn't be pregnant, she went ahead and had me come in that day. I called my husband and after talking about the nurses conversation, decided it would be best for me to run next door the the drug store and buy a test just to be sure before going to the doctor. Providentially, I was the only one in the office that day as my boss was away on business. I ran next door, bought one test, took it, waited the recommended 3 minutes, then ran back to the drug store to buy 2 more because this one was NOT accurate! After confirming with 2 additional tests, I flipped out! I immediately called the nurse and said "It says I'm pregnant but it can't be right!!!" I just KNEW there was something serious wrong! She has me come in immediately for a blood test - also positive! I wanted to be excited and to a degree I was, but since I had already died to the fact that I would never conceive, it took some time for it to become "real" to me. My husband was ecstatic! Although, we'll admit, we were a bit scared. He was in school full time and not working and I was working a medium paying full time job. How would we do it? We didn't care. We knew that this was obviously from the Lord and He WOULD provide!

"...just a mommy"

As a little girl, I can clearly remember playing countless hours of "mommy" with my dolls. At my kindergarten graduation, they asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Most kids said "nurse, doctor, fireman, police man, teacher.." Not I... just a mommy! Its all I wanted!
At the age of 17, I went for my first "Yearly" exam and at the end that visit was handed a pamphlet explaining what I had wrong. I remember opening the pamphlet and looking straight for the "side effects." I didn't care what it was, I just wanted to know what it was going to do to me. Second on the list... "Infertility." It was very hard for me to swallow. I grieved over this for a very long time and still do from time to time.
On January 9, 2004, I married the man of my dreams! He knew of my inability to have children and was so sweet to tell me "I'm not going to marry you for the sake of having children! I'm going to marry you because I love you!" I took comfort in that but also knew that down the road, his feelings were bound to change and he would desire a family. In April of that same year, I underwent an exploratory surgery to see if anything could be "fixed" and so that the doctor could better understand everything that was wrong. He gave me little hope of ever conceiving. His only response was "there are new medicines and procedures being discovered every day. You never know if in the future there will be something more we can do."